Wildlife ist Krieg: 10 Totally Kvlt Animals

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These animals are metal as fuck.


1. Hippopotamus

Hippos are territorial and aggressive, going so far as to fight crocodiles (and each other) over their shared aquatic habitats. Hippopotamuses will also fight off lions and hyenas seeking to prey on their young, and have been known to attack boats with humans in them. While hippos are vegetarian (they eat over 100 pounds of vegetation per day!), and not terribly territorial on land, they are credited in Africa with killing more humans per year than any other large animal on the continent. In the mosh pit of the animal kingdom, hippos are definitely that big beefy guy who will fuck your shit up if you accidentally get too close.


2. Moose

Have you ever been at a show and seen that guy on the edge of the mosh pit who’s tall, muscular, and wearing kinda showy bits of armor? That guy is a moose, except he’s wearing a chest plate instead of badass antlers. Moose are herbivores, and are also pretty chill, as long as you respect their personal space. Moose are polygamous, and will definitely fight each other over mating rights, and will attack anything they perceive to be a threat to their children, but much like that guy wearing those cool leather-and-iron bracers at the Eluveitie show, as long as you’re not threatening them or their loved ones, you’ll probably be okay. Just… try not to bump into them.


3. Black Kites and Brown Falcons

Researchers now believe that Black Kites and Brown Falcons in Australia have been intentionally setting brush fires to drive their prey (primarily lizards, frogs, and snakes) out of the protection of grass, and into their bellies. I don’t know about you, but “Arsonist Birds of Prey” sounds to me like a perfect deathcore band name.

4. Mongoose

Look at this lil’ critter. Just look. Adorable, no? This cutie pie is that scrawny, baby-faced teen you bump into at a black metal show and everything is cool until they notice that the guy to the right of you has a swastika tattoo so they literally tear his head off. The mongoose is a cute, fluffy animal so fierce that COBRAS consider them predators. Know what’s more metal than killing and eating deadly venomous snakes? Nothing, that’s what.


5. Black Widow Spider

The Black Widow spider is the most potently venomous spider known in existence on the North American continent. With venom fifteen times stronger than that of a rattlesnake, this spider’s bite packs quite a punch. In addition, the Black Widow spider (who is already perfectly dressed for any metal show, with her black carapace and an hourglass-shaped splash of red on her belly) is known to kill and eat her mate once she’s finished with him. That’s… pretty fucking metal.


6. Praying Mantis

OK, sure, Black Widows kill and eat their partners after mating, but you know what’s even more metal than that? The Praying Mantis, an insect which looks like it’s basically made of blades, takes it a step farther. During mating, female Mantises frequently decapitate their male counterparts. When they’re finished, the females of the species then eat the males… while they’re still alive. Whoa.


7. Blue-Ringed Octopus

The Blue-Ringed octopus is tiny. The Blue-Ringed octopus is cute. The Blue-Ringed octopus will Fuck. You. Up. This adorable little cephalopod, found mostly off the coasts of Australia, New Guinea, Japan, Malaysia, Indonesia and the Philippines has developed a rather amazing defense mechanism to keep itself from being easy prey for larger organisms: it produces not one, but TWO different deadly neurotoxins. One is used for immobilizing its prey, and the other is used to slay its predators. The Blue-Ringed octopus is generally shy, using its dull golden brown flesh to blend into its surroundings… but piss one off, and its glowing blue rings of death become extremely obvious. This deadly little cutie preys mostly on crustaceans and small fish, but only one milligram of its defense toxin is enough to kill a human.


8. Fugu

Look at this adorable little guy. Pufferfish and blowfish are super cute and smiley under average circumstances. As long as they’re not feeling threatened, they’re really pretty chill… so what makes them metal? These adorable little puffballs, small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, produce a deadly neurotoxin considered to be hundreds of times stronger than your average, garden-variety cyanide. Where this gets metal as fuck is, their meat is also considered to be a delicacy in Japan. While the preparation of fugu is tightly regulated, that doesn’t stop amateurs from trying to prepare their catches themselves — and dying because of it. Fugu is so metal, it kills humans after it’s dead.


9. Cayuga Ducks

Cayuga ducks are black. Their feathers are black, their beaks are black, their legs and feet are black, their babies are black. They even lay black eggs. They’re basically the sludge metal of the water fowl world.


10. Thresher Sharks

If we’re being honest with ourselves, sharks are metal by default. Rows upon rows of teeth, that whole “being able to smell blood” thing, rending the flesh from their still-living prey in the most brütal fashion… so what makes Thresher Sharks worthy of a specific nod? This fuckin’ shark has a goddamn SCYTHE for a tail. And it uses it to stun and herd its prey for maximum munching efficiency.

Obligatory Trump Thinkpiece

The country is currently embroiled in heated debate after activists in Chicago shut down a Donald Trump rally Friday night. Many are praising the activists who worked together to deny Trump a platform to speak in their city, while others are fretting about what this may mean for the future of the First Amendment, and its protections of Freedom of Speech.

It’s true that the First Amendment protects citizens from governmental repercussions for their speech. It is also true that the First Amendment grants citizens the right to peaceably assemble without fear of legal ramifications. So what does this mean in terms of citizens gathering to shout down Trump? It’s very complex, so I’ll break it down for you:

Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.
Freedom of Speech does not guarantee you a platform.

Are there any further questions?

SpoOoOoky Spirits

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It’s just not Halloween without spirits! Here are 13 essential cocktails for your spirited All Hallows Eve gathering:

Corpse Reviver:
This classic cocktail is sure to get even the most reluctant guests dancing to the Monster Mash!
1 oz. gin
1 oz. Cointreau (or Triple Sec)
1 oz. Lillet or Cocchi
1 oz. lemon juice
1 dash Absinthe or Herbsaint

Shake vigorously with ice, then strain into a cocktail glass or coupe. Garnish with a lemon twist.

Satan’s Whiskers:
Sweet as temptation, bitter as the realization that you’ve sold your soul.
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz Dry Curacao*
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1/2 oz orange juice

Shake vigorously with ice, then strain into a cocktail glass or coupe. Garnish with an orange twist.
*For a sweeter version, Triple Sec may be substituted for Dry Curacao.

Black Widow:
This intoxicating brew is deadly delicious.
2 oz. Irish whiskey
1 oz.  Chambord
12 oz. Guinness

Combine whiskey and Kahlua in a chilled pint glass, then add Guinness.

Heart of Darkness:
This potent blend will make your heart feel like it’s about to jump out of your chest!
2 oz. Fernet Branca
8 oz. hot coffee

Pour Fernet into coffee, enjoy while hot.

Persephone’s Kiss:
A single sip of this will bind you to the underworld forever; I promise you won’t mind.
2 oz. rum
2 oz. pomegranate liqueur*
1 oz. lime
2 dashes orange bitters

Shake with ice, serve on the rocks. Garnish with 6 pomegranate seeds.
*If no pomegranate liqueur, you may substitute 1 oz. grenadine and 1 oz. Triple Sec.

Fire and Brimstone:
Hot and smoky: drink and repent!
2 oz. mezcal
1 oz. ginger liqueur
1 oz. pineapple
1 oz. lime
Habanero bitters to taste*

Shake with ice, serve on the rocks. Garnish with a lime twist and/or fresh ginger.
*Add AT LEAST enough bitters that you can feel the burn!

Zombie:
A classic Tiki drink, this cocktail’s name speaks for itself.
1 1/2 oz. gold rum
1 oz. dark rum
1/2 oz. white rum
1/2 oz. 151-proof rum
1 oz. lime juice
1 oz. pineapple juice
1/2 oz. coconut creme

Shake all ingredients *EXCEPT* 151 with ice, and strain into a glass of crushed ice. Float 151 on top (ignite if you so choose.)

Fright Night:
The only thing more terrifying than this cocktail is the hangover you’ll be facing in the morning.
2 oz vodka
1 oz. Blue Curacao
1 oz. Midori
1 oz. Luxardo Maraschino liqueur
1 oz. lime juice

Shake all ingredients with ice, strain, and serve over the rocks. Garnish with two maraschino cherries.

Homicide:
Serve and drink at your own risk; just don’t name me as an accomplice.
1 oz. gin
1 oz. Fernet Branca
1 oz. Kahlua
1/4 oz. Chambord

Pour all ingredients into a glass of ice and stir together. Strain into a cocktail glass or coupe. Garnish with an orange twist.

Miasma:
It’s a swirling, toxic cloud… in a glass!
3 oz. Viniq
3 oz sparkling wine

Shake Viniq, then pour into a champagne flute. Top with sparkling wine. Regret forever.

Masque of the Red Death:
A concoction of little substance and remarkable potency.
1 oz. gin
1 oz. Campari
1 oz. Sweet Vermouth
3 oz. sparkling wine

Combine gin, Campari, and vermouth in a champagne flute. Add sparkling wine and garnish with a maraschino cherry.

Jack O’Lantern:
Honestly, your best bet is just to set it on fire and never look back.
2 oz. Jack Daniels
1/2 oz. sweet vermouth
1/2 oz. pumpkin spice syrup or liqueur
2 dashes Angostura bitters

Stir with ice, strain into a cocktail glass or coupe. Garnish with a maraschino cherry.

Poltergeist:
This drink is likely to haunt you long after you kill it.
2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. ginger liqueur
1/2 oz. grenadine
1 oz. grapefruit juice

Shake with ice, then strain into a cocktail glass or coupe.

Drink All The Booze, Hack All The Things

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With the release of the 20th Anniversary edition of Hackers on Blu-Ray, Hackers parties are popping up left and right. Help your guests get as trashed as Dade’s rights with these Hackers-inspired cocktails!

Acid Burn
Shaken and served on the rocks! 
2 oz. light rum
1 oz. lime juice
4 oz. pineapple juice
1/2 oz. grenadine
habanero bitters to taste

Crash And Burn
Shaken and served on the rocks!
2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. mezcal
1 oz. lime juice
4 oz. orange juice
1/2 oz. grenadine
habanero bitters to taste

Zero Cool
Shaken and served up!
2 oz. gin
1 oz. green Chartreuse
1 oz. lime juice
1/2 oz. Yerba Mate syrup

Hack The Planet
Suspiciously like a Cuba Libre… served on the rocks!
2 oz. light rum
Jolt Cola
Lime wedge

Hacked Gibson
Served up, stirred, not shaken. We are not barbarians.
2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. dry vermouth
Cocktail onion*
Pour gin and vermouth into a glass. Add ice to the top. Stir until well-chilled. Strain into martini glass. Look at cocktail onion. Recognize that cocktail onions are garbage. Mumble “god” under your breath, and toss cocktail onion into the Garbage File. Congratulations, you’ve hacked the Gibson!

Serve these cocktails, and watch other party hosts mess with the best and die like the rest. Just don’t rollerblade after drinking, and remember: it’s not a hangover, it’s The Plague.