Wildlife ist Krieg: 10 Totally Kvlt Animals

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These animals are metal as fuck.


1. Hippopotamus

Hippos are territorial and aggressive, going so far as to fight crocodiles (and each other) over their shared aquatic habitats. Hippopotamuses will also fight off lions and hyenas seeking to prey on their young, and have been known to attack boats with humans in them. While hippos are vegetarian (they eat over 100 pounds of vegetation per day!), and not terribly territorial on land, they are credited in Africa with killing more humans per year than any other large animal on the continent. In the mosh pit of the animal kingdom, hippos are definitely that big beefy guy who will fuck your shit up if you accidentally get too close.


2. Moose

Have you ever been at a show and seen that guy on the edge of the mosh pit who’s tall, muscular, and wearing kinda showy bits of armor? That guy is a moose, except he’s wearing a chest plate instead of badass antlers. Moose are herbivores, and are also pretty chill, as long as you respect their personal space. Moose are polygamous, and will definitely fight each other over mating rights, and will attack anything they perceive to be a threat to their children, but much like that guy wearing those cool leather-and-iron bracers at the Eluveitie show, as long as you’re not threatening them or their loved ones, you’ll probably be okay. Just… try not to bump into them.


3. Black Kites and Brown Falcons

Researchers now believe that Black Kites and Brown Falcons in Australia have been intentionally setting brush fires to drive their prey (primarily lizards, frogs, and snakes) out of the protection of grass, and into their bellies. I don’t know about you, but “Arsonist Birds of Prey” sounds to me like a perfect deathcore band name.

4. Mongoose

Look at this lil’ critter. Just look. Adorable, no? This cutie pie is that scrawny, baby-faced teen you bump into at a black metal show and everything is cool until they notice that the guy to the right of you has a swastika tattoo so they literally tear his head off. The mongoose is a cute, fluffy animal so fierce that COBRAS consider them predators. Know what’s more metal than killing and eating deadly venomous snakes? Nothing, that’s what.


5. Black Widow Spider

The Black Widow spider is the most potently venomous spider known in existence on the North American continent. With venom fifteen times stronger than that of a rattlesnake, this spider’s bite packs quite a punch. In addition, the Black Widow spider (who is already perfectly dressed for any metal show, with her black carapace and an hourglass-shaped splash of red on her belly) is known to kill and eat her mate once she’s finished with him. That’s… pretty fucking metal.


6. Praying Mantis

OK, sure, Black Widows kill and eat their partners after mating, but you know what’s even more metal than that? The Praying Mantis, an insect which looks like it’s basically made of blades, takes it a step farther. During mating, female Mantises frequently decapitate their male counterparts. When they’re finished, the females of the species then eat the males… while they’re still alive. Whoa.


7. Blue-Ringed Octopus

The Blue-Ringed octopus is tiny. The Blue-Ringed octopus is cute. The Blue-Ringed octopus will Fuck. You. Up. This adorable little cephalopod, found mostly off the coasts of Australia, New Guinea, Japan, Malaysia, Indonesia and the Philippines has developed a rather amazing defense mechanism to keep itself from being easy prey for larger organisms: it produces not one, but TWO different deadly neurotoxins. One is used for immobilizing its prey, and the other is used to slay its predators. The Blue-Ringed octopus is generally shy, using its dull golden brown flesh to blend into its surroundings… but piss one off, and its glowing blue rings of death become extremely obvious. This deadly little cutie preys mostly on crustaceans and small fish, but only one milligram of its defense toxin is enough to kill a human.


8. Fugu

Look at this adorable little guy. Pufferfish and blowfish are super cute and smiley under average circumstances. As long as they’re not feeling threatened, they’re really pretty chill… so what makes them metal? These adorable little puffballs, small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, produce a deadly neurotoxin considered to be hundreds of times stronger than your average, garden-variety cyanide. Where this gets metal as fuck is, their meat is also considered to be a delicacy in Japan. While the preparation of fugu is tightly regulated, that doesn’t stop amateurs from trying to prepare their catches themselves — and dying because of it. Fugu is so metal, it kills humans after it’s dead.


9. Cayuga Ducks

Cayuga ducks are black. Their feathers are black, their beaks are black, their legs and feet are black, their babies are black. They even lay black eggs. They’re basically the sludge metal of the water fowl world.


10. Thresher Sharks

If we’re being honest with ourselves, sharks are metal by default. Rows upon rows of teeth, that whole “being able to smell blood” thing, rending the flesh from their still-living prey in the most brütal fashion… so what makes Thresher Sharks worthy of a specific nod? This fuckin’ shark has a goddamn SCYTHE for a tail. And it uses it to stun and herd its prey for maximum munching efficiency.

Published by

Elle Armageddon

Elle Armageddon is a Bay Area-born feminist, activist, blogger, glitter enthusiast, and smartass. In addition to writing, furiously tweeting, and mucking around with a chemistry set that looks suspiciously like a bar, you can also find her providing medical and legal support for protesters, babysitting her niblings, and climbing things at her local gym. If you'd like to support her writing, you may do so at https://patreon.com/armageddon She can also be found on Twitter: @OaklandElle

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